Many times in our personal growth counseling sessions we hear a lot about the idea of self-esteem. Some people have high self-esteem to the point of being considered narcissistic or arrogant and all about themselves. Others have low self-esteem to the point of suffering from depression, eating disorders, and self-mutilating behaviors (i.e., cutting).
So what is self-esteem? Self-esteem is the value we place on ourselves, the way we see ourselves in relation to those around us, and how we feel about our talents and abilities. The problem is that society’s definition of beauty and success is constantly changing. A few hundred years ago paintings of beautiful women looked very different than the covers of magazines we see in the check-out lines today. The women in the paintings were voluptuous and curvy and had “meat on their bones.” Today, society is trying to sell us (women) on a definition of beauty that includes having large breasts, a tiny waist, pouty lips, and legs that go on forever. Unfortunately, many of the messages society sends us are airbrushed and photo-shopped and completely unrealistic for the “average” woman. Years ago the definition of success wasn’t the type of car you drove or how you spent your summer or Christmas vacation; it was about the number of children you had, that your word was your bond, and your family name was honorable because you were honest and worked hard to provide for your family. My, how times have certainly changed.
Another issue that bombards our self-esteem is playing the comparison game. We stand on the outside of someone’s life and make judgments about who they are and what their life must be like. We see the neighbor down the street who just put in an in-ground swimming pool and drives a Beamer. We think they must have it all together. What we don’t see are the knock-down-drag-out fights the wife and husband have over money and credit card bills piling in every month that go unpaid. We look at the celebrity on the cover of the latest gossip rag and wish for her body, but we forget she is able to hire a personal chef, a personal trainer, and nanny to parent her kids while she works on her size 2 body. We also don’t see the airbrushing of the photo before it is sent to print and the emptiness in her soul caused by a constant pursuit of physical perfection in order to keep her place in Hollywood stardom. When we compare ourselves with others without having the full story, we set ourselves up for failure. We’re competing with and comparing ourselves to a fantasy we’ve concocted in our minds out of our feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.
Each of us is gifted with traits that make us unique and individual. The way to healthy self-esteem is to discover those qualities and develop them to their fullest. We need to embrace who we were created to be and realize we have an irreplaceable contribution to the world that will be missed if we focus all our energies chasing after a fantasy of who we want to be. We need to be content with who we are.
There is still even a problem with defining our self-esteem by our gifts and graces. In this world, there will always be someone prettier, smarter, more driven, more capable, and more successful. If we define ourselves by our grades in college, what happens to our sense of self when we get a poor grade or when we’re not at the top of the class? If we base our self-worth on our marriage relationship or our identity as a couple, what happens when we end up in divorce court or we get dumped?
The only way to a lasting, healthy sense of self-esteem is to root it in our identity in God. He never changes. He knows all about us and loves us anyway. His love for us is unparalleled and boundless. He is the one who created us. If we doubt our gifts or feel like we are not good enough, what does that say to Him about what we think about his handiwork? When we take seriously His words about His love for us, how He formed us in our mother’s wombs and knew us even before we were born, and would do anything for us, it makes our comparisons to others seem so contrite and downright silly.
If you’re having trouble wrapping your mind around how valuable you truly are, talking with an individual counselor or attending a support group by be the next step. These interventions can help you how you developed your beliefs about yourself and begin replacing those hurtful ideas with positive ideas filled with truth about your intrinsic worth.
