The Ten Commandments are a pretty big deal. When Christ was asked by the rich young ruler what he should do to gain eternal life in Heaven, Christ asked him if he obeyed the law. Christ was referring to the Old Testament law summed up in the Ten Commandments. Of the Ten Commandments the first five are the “Dos” and the last five are the “Don’ts.” The “Dos” are all about relationships. Four of the five are related to our relationship with God. The fifth is our relationship with our father and mother. “Honor your father and mother…” (Exodus 20:12). Out of all the laws in the Old Testament, 10 are highlighted. This obviously means they are pretty important. For one of the four dealing with relationships, God wanted us to pay special attention to our relationship with our parents. Yet another sign this relationship is a big deal to God. It’s such a big deal Scripture refers to God as our Heavenly Father and Christ constantly referred to God as our Father and taught us to pray and address Him as such. “Our Father who art in Heaven…” (Matthew 6:9).
So, we need to pay close attention to what God says about our relationship with our father and mother. What does honoring your father and mother look like? For many of us, we grew up being taught to obey our parents no matter what, be respectful, and not question. But, what should you do when your parents are abusive? Perhaps they are alcoholics or mentally ill or manipulate you for their own benefit. Maybe your birth parents abandoned you when you were born and you don’t even know them. Then what? What does honoring your parents look like then?
Once we figure out what honoring our parents looks like in those situations, we must consider another question. Should parents have to earn honor? Or, do they simply deserve it because they gave us life? These are tough questions for even healthy families and even more boggling if the level of dysfunction runs high.
It might be easier to understand what honor is not. Honor is not obeying your parents no matter what. If your parents encourage you to do something that is illegal or harmful to someone else, you can honor them and still not follow their advice. For example, if your parents take your money you earned at your job are saving for a car and spent it on alcohol and tell you that “as long as you live under my roof, you’ll obey my rules and give me the money,” that is wrong. Is it illegal? Not necessarily. Should you be okay with their behavior and not question? No. Or, what if your father touches you in ways that make you uncomfortable and tells you not to tell anyone because no one will believe you and they will take you away and you’ll never see your mom again? Illegal? Absolutely yes. Should you go along with what he says? As scary as it may be, you need to tell someone. The idea of “blindly” obeying your parents in these situations as a form of honoring is not what God meant.
So, if you have parents like that, are you off the hook on this commandment? Not so fast. We can honor our parents, even when they don’t deserve it. It’s a tall order, but here are a few ideas to help you get there:
Show them a healthy love
This can have different levels of difficulty based on the type of situation in which you find yourself. If you have a parent who breaks promises and continually lets you down, you can show them love by being kind when they make and break promises and talking with them about how disappointed you are when this happens. If you have a parent who is sexually abusive, figuring out how to show them love may be more difficult and the parent may not feel your actions are very loving. This may sound odd, but boundaries can be loving. By telling someone about the abuse and putting boundaries in place to be sure you are not victimized again, it may force your parent to get much-needed help and may eventually bring healing and a healthy relationship. It is a long process and no one will tell you it is easy, but with God all things are possible.
Treat them with respect
Talk kindly to them. Talk kindly about them if you can. Even if you don’t agree with them, even if they do not treat you with respect, take the high road. Don’t engage them in arguments and walk away if you must. If you’re angry or hurt, follow this old adage: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” It may not feel fair when you have to act more mature than your parents, but you’ll be able to pillow your head at night knowing you did the right thing.
Forgive
Parents make mistakes. Children do not come with instruction manuals. Many parents do the best they can with the knowledge they have and still mess up. Cut your parents some slack on the small stuff. If they missed your last recital but have come to all the others or missed the home run you hit in the bottom of the ninth inning but have been at dozens of other games, give them some grace. If your parents have been abusive or manipulative, forgiveness may take longer and be more difficult. Keep this in mind, forgiveness is more about you than it is about them. They may never say they are sorry and they may never ask you to forgive, but forgiving is your choice. It is a choice between holding on to the hurt or saying yes to the freedom found in letting go of something that can’t be changed. For more on forgiveness, check out this previous blog post, “What Is and Isn’t Forgiveness”.
There are some relationships that may feel impossible to repair or be engaged in. Personal individual counseling or family counseling may prove to be beneficial. Be sure to find a therapist or counselor who has experience in family therapy and ask him/her to help you set goals for those troublesome relationships. Not everyone may be willing to attend therapy, but you can even do some work on your own perspective and heart without those people attending therapy. It will be worth your effort.
