Trying to Protect our Kids Too Much or Toughen Them Up Too Soon

We continue our focus on family counseling items this week with whether or not we are sheltering our children, or exposing them to too much of the world around them at too early of an age.

Times have certainly changed over the last 25 years. What is rated PG in today's society used to be rated R 20 years ago. Crime statistics are higher and ages of criminals are younger. The classroom worries of 25 years ago (gum chewing, talking too much in class) have long given way to fears of students carrying weapons and bomb threats.

So what's a parent to do? It seems there has been a rise in fear among parents. We're afraid to let our kids walk two blocks to school or play unsupervised in the backyard. While this overprotection may seem like the responsible course of action, it may actually be handicapping our children. This gives them very little freedom to learn and make mistakes. What happens when we are not around and they get hurt or face a difficult choice? They may not know what to do and be paralyzed because we have wrapped them in imaginary bubble wrap to protect them from the slightest difficulty.

The other error is to "toughen them up" so nothing fazes them. Some parents virtually abandon their children to teach them to stand on their own two feet.  These parents believe this "tough love" Teflon® is teaching them to be uber responsible and strong. This type of approach can also be debilitating. Children require instruction and direction-they aren't simply miniature adults. They need parents to guide them along the appropriate path.

Here are some key concepts we keep in mind in our house to allow our kids to be kids:

• Offer kids choices. Never giving a kid a choice and dictating every move can be stifling for the child. Giving kids unlimited choices can make every day quite overwhelming. Give them one or two choices in anything from side dishes at dinner to what they wear to school in the morning. Make the choices simple and it gives the kids the feeling of having some sort of control while giving parents the ultimate control.
• Boundaries. Kids need rules. They need to know what those rules are and the consequences when those rules are broken. Try this when you take your kids to the store. Let them know your expectations up front. For example, you can say, "Mommy is not going to buy you candy or a toy in the store. I want you to listen and do what I ask you to do while we're in the store. If you disobey, there will be consequences." Then, tell them what the consequences will be. Communicate your expectations and once you say you're going to do something, no matter how inconvenient, follow through.
• Pick your battles. Not every issue demands we all see eye-to-eye. Each child is different and needs some sense of independence. You have to decide what the non-negotiables are in our household. These issues may relate to traditions, grades, faith, or other "big deals." Once you decide your "fall-on-your-sword" issues, you need to communicate those to your children. The other issues require some flexibility. There are some things you'll just have to let go (maybe these are hair styles, piercings, clothing choices). As parents, we can't make everything a battle.

Our kids need to learn that life is not always fair or easy and sometimes this learning is done by being allowed to get hurt or have natural consequences to their poor choices. Give kids freedom to make small mistakes and face difficult decisions now, so hopefully they can learn the skills necessary to handle bigger ones in the future.